Chapter 55: It Really Hurts So Much

The black silence was like ink that wouldn’t melt, thoroughly devouring Lu Zhiyan…

No sense of pain, no temperature, even his consciousness felt as if it were soaked in ice water, chaotic and heavy.

The frantic, shattered cries by his ear grew further and further away. Before Shen Yu’s face completely disappeared, those eyes brimming with fear and despair were like red-hot branding irons, ruthlessly burning into the deepest part of his soul.

He seemed to float up. Fragmented scenes flashed before his eyes, every frame filled with the bone-piercing cold and pain from the past.

That person’s smile, that person’s tears, the gloom in the depths of that person’s eyes, and that ice-cold, lonely tombstone…

Piece by piece, sharp as blades, they pierced through his uncontrollably trembling soul, tearing it into a bloody, shattered mess.

Was he going to die?

Unwilling… he was so unwilling…

He hadn’t properly spent a New Year with Shen Yu yet, hadn’t accompanied him enough to watch the changing of the four seasons, hadn’t told him that in this lifetime, he loved him the most.

Hadn’t had the time to say, A’Yu, thank you for still being here…

The massive nothingness was like black magma, swallowing and dissolving his consciousness bit by bit. Tears silently slid down from the corners of his eyes.

In the end, everything could not be returned to…

If there was a next life, he hoped Shen Yu could live a happy and stable life, never to meet him again. Even if he were to turn into ashes right here and now, ground into dust, he would have no regrets.

The boundless darkness was still pulling at him. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] His consciousness was like a kite with a broken string, tottering in the gap between life and death. The surrounding silence was so thick it was suffocating, even the last trace of faint light about to be completely devoured.

That bit of obsession could no longer hold on. Like a dying candle in the wind, with a gentle flicker, it would be thoroughly extinguished.

The nothingness turned into an ice-cold tide, washing over his limbs, washing over his soul, washing over his consciousness. It crushed and melted all his unwillingness, all his lingering affection, and all his unspoken love, inch by inch…

“A’Yan…”

Two distant and chaotic words, like a clap of thunder, ruthlessly struck into Lu Zhiyan’s chaotic consciousness, making his entire body jolt, unable to believe his own ears.

A’Yu?

He dead-tightly pulled taut his last remaining thread of consciousness, holding his breath, greedily capturing every trace of movement around him.

“A’Yan…”

Another distant and blurred soft call, carrying an empty reverberation, like a ray of light splitting the sky, forcefully tearing open the thick nothingness that wouldn’t melt.

The darkness that had originally been devouring him violently paused. In the next second, it was unexpectedly shattered layer by layer by this call.

From within his chest, which had been silent for a long time, came an extremely light, extremely weak vibration—

Thump.

Then came another weak yet stubborn beat, exploding in the dead silence.

Thump…

Thump, thump, thump…

The rhythm grew heavier and steadier, like a small hammer, stroke after stroke, gradually and clearly knocking away the surrounding nothingness.

That ice-cold, thick darkness that was about to thoroughly dissolve him retreated step by step amidst the sound of heartbeats, slowly fading, and very, very slowly beginning to dissipate…

The calling sounds beside his ears grew closer and clearer, mixed with the gradually audible, regular and steady ticking of medical instruments.

Gradually, more and more sounds and smells surged toward him, lingering and hovering by his side, seeping in bit by bit. They slowly became real and clear, continuously awakening his dull senses.

It was the soft sound of a chair moving, the sound of fabric rubbing, and… a very light, very faint, clear lemon scent.

It was the scent and love carved into his bones and blood.

A’Yu… it’s my A’Yu…

His heart abruptly began to beat wildly, striking against his chest in a muffled, powerful manner, along with a few urgent ticks from the instruments, becoming increasingly clear.

“A’Yu, it fluctuated again, quickly talk to Yanyan some more!”

It’s Auntie Liu’s voice.

Lu Zhiyan’s consciousness instantly pulled taut to the extreme, every single nerve trembling. He waited, he hoped; every second was as long as a century, and even the air seemed to have solidified.

Finally, that voice he loved to his very marrow gently rang out beside his ear once more, carrying suppressed excitement and choking, so gentle it could drown a person:

“A’Yan, wake up quickly. I… we are all waiting for you…”

With a “Boom,” the blood all over Lu Zhiyan’s body instantly boiled, fiercely burning up into a patch of scalding heat. The longing and love accumulated in the deepest part of his soul violently broke through the boundary between spirit and flesh, surgingly permeating out, thoroughly tearing apart the boundless dark nothingness!

“He’s shedding tears! Yanyan is shedding tears!”

Liu Yuzhu’s pleasantly surprised voice suddenly raised its pitch, carrying unbelievable wild joy, “His fingers moved! Look quickly, his fingers moved! Quick! Quick, go call the doctor!”

Lu Zhiyan could feel that his fingertips had indeed trembled slightly, weak yet real. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] Immediately following that was the sound of his father, Lu Zhiyuan, hurriedly getting up and opening the door, urgently calling for the doctor.

“Doctor—! Doctor—! Nurse! Quickly call the doctor over to take a look! My son seems to have woken up!”

“Little Yu, say some more! Say some more to Yanyan! Anything is fine!” Li Mei’s voice carried a crying tone, yet was full of excitement.

“Okay.”

Shen Yu responded lowly. In the next second, Lu Zhiyan felt that person’s warm, dry palm cover the back of his hand, carrying a familiar temperature, comforting his ice-cold skin.

That person’s breath moved a few fractions closer, warm breath brushing past his auricle. His voice choked in a way that shattered his heart:

“A’Yan, wake up, wake up quickly, we’re all waiting for you.”

“A’Yan, isn’t your favorite food the twice-cooked pork I make? Wake up quickly, I’ll make it for you to eat.”

“Also, you said you wanted to go see the sea in Haicheng again, said we’d go in the summer, watch the sunrise, pick up seashells…”

His voice carried a fine tremble, yet was incomparably firm, “Will you wake up? We’ll go together.”

Lu Zhiyan exerted all his strength, following that warm voice, pulling back his chaotic consciousness bit by bit, fighting against the heaviness of his body.

“A’Yan…”

His eyelids finally loosened. Lu Zhiyan only felt that every single movement was like bearing the weight of a thousand catties. It was only with great difficulty that he managed to lift open an imperceptible slit.

Urgent footsteps came from the corridor. Doctors and nurses hurriedly pushed the door and entered. The ticking of the instruments became urgent. The light from a flashlight flashed across his pupils and quickly moved away.

Blurred and swaying light and shadows gradually surged into his vision. As he breathed, it settled down bit by bit, finally slowly becoming clear.

The ward was filled with ecstatic, noisy clamor. The two mothers embraced and wept, while the two fathers also looked at each other with reddened eye sockets and smiled.

Lu Zhiyan’s gaze struggled past the crowd, eagerly chasing after that tall figure. His line of sight focused bit by bit, finally seeing clearly that face he loved to the marrow.

Shen Yu stood behind a busy nurse. His eye sockets were completely red, the depths of his eyes covered with blood streaks. His gaze churned with wild joy, lingering fear, and a complexity and fatigue that he couldn’t understand.

It’s A’Yu, it really is A’Yu!

It was just that the person was obviously much more mature and steady than before.

Lu Zhiyan didn’t have time to think deeply. He struggled to open his mouth. His throat was as dry as cracked earth, and every breath pulled at a fine, fragmented pain.

But he couldn’t care at all. Before this, he didn’t even dare to extravagantly hope that he could still see Shen Yu alive…

He exerted all his strength, and it was with great difficulty that he squeezed out two hoarse, broken words from between his lips:

“A’Yu…”

This call, so soft that it dissipated into the air the moment it left his mouth, accurately crashed into the bottom of Shen Yu’s heart. His pupils abruptly contracted, and his eye sockets instantly brimmed with scalding wetness. Seeing this, Lu Zhiyan’s chest immediately rippled with a burst of fine, dense sour pain, wanting only to immediately pull the person tightly into his embrace, and kiss away all his unease with utmost gentleness.

It was just that before this palpitation had time to spread, in the next second, Lu Zhiyan’s gaze suddenly solidified, his entire person as if plunging into a ten-thousand-zhang ice cave.

The nurse who had just been busy at the bedside turned and left. The vision instantly lost its obstruction, and the scene beside Shen Yu was clearly revealed.

Standing impressively there was a long-haired woman with a gentle and elegant posture. Dressed in a plain white dress, her brows and eyes were soft, looking at him with concern. Her other hand gently rested on Shen Yu’s arm, her posture intimate and natural.

The hand Shen Yu left hanging by his side was quietly and tightly interlocked with hers. That hand had once gently held him countless times, rubbed his hair countless times, yet right now, separated by a short distance, it was firmly gripping the fingertips of another person. The unfamiliar plain band ring on his ring finger reflected a faint light under the sunlight, as blinding as a blade quenched in ice, instantly piercing through Lu Zhiyan’s heart.

The blood in his entire body violently solidified. The warmth that had just surged to his heart was suddenly extinguished, leaving only bone-piercing cold, madly spreading along his four limbs and hundreds of bones.

Lu Zhiyan stared dead at their interlocked hands, his pupils shrinking to pinpoints. The clamor beside his ears seemed to have the mute button pressed. His parents’ weeping tears of joy, the doctor’s instructions, the ticking of the instruments—all blurred into a distant background noise.

In an instant, he suddenly understood everything. His breath abruptly hitched, and his entire body began to twitch with pain and tremble uncontrollably.

Yes, he had merged his own life into the ice-cold sea, exchanging it for the opportunity to return to the age of twenty. Those warm daily routines, standing side-by-side in the library, feeding each other at the dining table, lingering in the deep night—they were all real… He had changed the past and also saved the person he loved most in his heart.

It was just that beside that person, there was long since no longer a place for him.

A heart-piercing, bone-deep bitter smile spread across the tip of his heart. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] Watching the gentle, joyful smile in the depths of the long-haired woman’s eyes as she looked at Shen Yu, his heart felt as if countless invisible sharp claws had ruthlessly pinched into his flesh and blood, hurting until he almost suffocated. A broken whimper spilled from the deepest part of his soul, carrying a pain desperate to the extreme. His eye sockets suddenly flushed red, welling up with a layer of silent scalding heat.

“A’Yan? What’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”

Shen Yu’s heart was about to break. His brows violently knitted together, his tone full of worry. He subconsciously wanted to step forward, but was gently pulled by the woman beside him.

That pull was very light, yet it was like an invisible barrier, completely separating the two of them.

Lu Zhiyan’s gaze was dead-pinned to the hand pulling Shen Yu. The tearful light that had just rippled in the depths of his eyes instantly froze, leaving only a patch of dead-silent barrenness.

The back of his hand seemed to still retain the temperature that person had just held it with, but that warmth right now was as scalding as a branding iron, scorching his skin, and also scorching his long-shattered soul.

He closed his eyes, trying hard to conceal the churning, stabbing pain deep within. The weak breath at the tip of his nose gently scattered into the ice-cold air, carrying endless exhaustion, and a trace of imperceptible trembling.

“A’Yu, if I treat you badly, just forget me, find someone who loves you, who treats you well, live a good life, and never care about me again, got it?”

“A’Yan, don’t talk nonsense, I’ll take you to the hospital, we’ll go right now.”

“A’Yu… do as I said… promise me…”

“Promise me—!”

Well done, A’Yu. You kept your promise to me.

Then I cannot break my word either.

I wish you happiness, my baby.

He slowly opened his eyes. The depths of his eyes were left with only a patch of ice-sealed dead silence, no longer possessing the wild joy and lingering affection from just now.

Shen Yu watched, stunned, his heart inexplicably twitching with pain. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but was softly interrupted by the woman beside him:

“A’Yu, don’t agitate the patient, let’s go back first, let Zhiyan rest properly.”

Her voice was gentle and appropriate, yet like a needle, it pierced Lu Zhiyan’s heart with immense pain.

Hearing this, Shen Guodong and Liu Yuzhu also hurriedly chimed in agreement.

“That’s right, Yanyan just woke up, don’t stimulate him.”

“Zhiyuan, A’Mei, we’ll head back first, and come see Yanyan tomorrow when we’re free.”

Shen Yu looked at Lu Zhiyan on the hospital bed, whose eyes were empty and whose entire body exuded an aura of despair. Then he looked at the woman beside him looking at him with concern, and his parents getting up to leave. His fingertips twitched, and ultimately he nodded, turning to follow them out the door.

Lu Zhiyuan hurried forward to see them off. When reaching the door of the ward, Shen Yu finally couldn’t help but turn his head to cast a glance back.

Lu Zhiyan was also looking at him. His gaze was terrifyingly calm, like a bottomless, cold abyss.

The ward door was gently closed, isolating the outside world, and also thoroughly shutting off the last trace of faint light in Lu Zhiyan’s heart.

The room suddenly became terrifyingly quiet, leaving only the regular and ice-cold ticking of the instruments, striking his empty heart sound by sound.

A’Yu, you’re still alive… that’s wonderful. You can hold hands and kiss the person you like under the sunlight, no longer needing to hide. I am truly happy for you…

“Yanyan, how are you doing? Are you okay?”

Beside him came his mother’s concerned and worried voice, warm and soft, carrying a trace of cautious carefulness, as if deeply afraid of shattering him.

But this touch of gentle warmth became the final needle piercing his feigned calm at this moment.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart ached violently. Staring at the stark white ceiling of the ward, his eyelashes couldn’t stop beginning to tremble violently.

Scalding tears surged out, sliding down from the corners of his eyes, instantly soaking the pillow towel.

He had originally thought that as long as Shen Yu lived well, as long as he was safe and sound, it didn’t matter what happened to him, he could endure anything.

But when he truly saw with his own eyes that person holding someone else’s hand, wearing a wedding ring, that pain seeping out from his bones and blood still thoroughly crushed him, completely exceeding his capacity to endure.

He desperately suppressed the fishy sweetness at his throat, dead-tight gripping the bedding, his knuckles turning white.

His heart felt as if a large chunk had been forcefully gouged out, hurting him bone-piercingly, shattering him into pieces.

He uncontrollably trembled violently, his entire person abruptly curling into a ball. Bone-chilling, agonizing pain frantically churned and ruthlessly pierced inside his chest, sharply slicing open flesh and blood all the way, and spreading wildly along his nerves and blood vessels to his four limbs and hundreds of bones.

A’Yu… my heart… hurts so much…

It really hurts so much…

I miss you holding me so much…

“Yanyan, what’s wrong?! Say something, son! Don’t scare mom!”

Li Mei was so anxious tears fell like rain. She hurriedly shouted to Lu Zhiyuan who had just pushed the door and entered, “Quick, quick, call the doctor! Yanyan is feeling terrible!”

The doctor and nurses arrived quickly. The ice-cold stethoscope was placed on Lu Zhiyan’s violently heaving chest; the heartbeat transmitted was weak and chaotic.

“The patient’s emotional fluctuations are too great, vital signs are unstable, quick, prepare a sedative!”

The ward instantly fell into a chaotic mess again. The sound of footsteps, the alarms of the instruments, and his mother’s cries intertwined together, so ear-piercing it made his head split with pain.

The slight stinging pain of the needle piercing his skin, accompanied by the ice-cold medicinal liquid injected into his body—a violent wave of dizziness abruptly assaulted him, and the boundless darkness thoroughly devoured him once again.