Chapter 59: Inside and Outside the Door

The day Lu Zhiyan started his job at the Beicheng First People’s Hospital, it was the sweltering height of midsummer.

The oppressive heat of the previous days had dispersed slightly after a rain. As soon as the sky cleared, the bright, glaring sunlight shone through the hospital building’s glass windows, splashing onto the clean floor, making one feel dizzy.

The paperwork went very smoothly. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] With the credentials he had accumulated at a top hospital in the United States, he was hired directly as a deputy chief physician. His office was arranged on the thirteenth floor of the inpatient building, by the window, facing the hospital’s rear garden. At this moment, the plants and trees were lush and vividly green, brimming with vitality, yet in his eyes, it only served to contrast the barren and gloomy state of his heart.

Wearing his white coat, the familiar scent of disinfectant lingered at the tip of his nose. As his fingertips touched the cool metal tube of his stethoscope, Lu Zhiyan felt, in a daze, that he finally had a sense of reality in taking root.

He tucked everything from the past away deep into the bottom of his heart, putting on a gentle, distant professional mask, and threw himself into the heavy clinical work of the heart surgery department.

Making rounds, consulting, surgeries, case discussions, mentoring young doctors—his schedule was packed so tightly that being busy from dawn until late at night was the norm.

He was professionally solid and steady in attitude. Even the trickiest conditions could be calmly dismantled in his hands. In just a few months, he had established a firm foothold in the hospital based on his excellent capabilities; even the old professors in the department couldn’t stop praising him.

Others only saw this newly appointed Director Lu as young, promising, gentle, and reliable, but no one knew that he was simply afraid to let himself be idle. Once there was a gap, those people and things suppressed at the bottom of his heart would surge up, slicing his already riddled heart inch by inch.

“Director Lu, this is the patient information that needs consultation this afternoon, transferred from the cardiology department. They say it’s a difficult case.”

The head nurse knocked and entered, handing over a stack of medical records, her tone carrying a bit of respect.

Lu Zhiyan nodded and took them. As his fingertips flipped the pages and his gaze landed on the patient’s name, he couldn’t help but slightly freeze. He quickly scanned the column for the patient’s family contact information, and his knuckles suddenly paused.

Contact person: Shen Yu.

His heart felt as if it were being ruthlessly clenched by an invisible hand, and a dull pain spread along his blood vessels to his four limbs and hundreds of bones. He almost subconsciously wanted to avoid it. Raising his eyes to look at the head nurse, his tone was as normal as he could make it:

“I have other patients on hand, you can give this medical record to another doctor.”

The head nurse, however, looked embarrassed, explaining softly:

“Director Lu, Director Wang of the cardiology department specifically named you to take over, saying the patient’s situation is complex and only you are the most skilled in this type of case; he doesn’t trust anyone else.”

That one sentence blocked all his paths of retreat.

Lu Zhiyan took a deep breath, forcefully suppressing the surging emotions in his chest. When he spoke again, his voice was already steady, showing no ripples:

“Understood, I’ll go over now.”

The cardiology department was on the eleventh floor. As the elevator slowly descended, with the numbers jumping, Lu Zhiyan’s fingertips turned pale, and his palms broke out in a thin layer of sweat.

Ever since that day of parting with Shen Yu at the gate of his parents’ house, another five-plus months had passed. During this period, he had specifically flown back to the United States to complete all the resignation procedures at the hospital, packed his luggage and materials, and then hurried back to the country without stopping—submitting his resume, interviewing, processing his employment, and throwing himself into the heavy work of the heart surgery department, busy until his feet didn’t touch the ground, almost without a moment to catch his breath.

He deliberately filled his days tightly with work, just so he wouldn’t think of that person. He even made excuses that he didn’t want to deal with the complex interpersonal relationships in the country, repeatedly instructing his parents not to let anyone know he had returned to the country to develop his career. And as for him and Shen Yu, they truly had no further contact, living their own lives from then on.

Yet only Lu Zhiyan himself knew that no matter how busy he was, he would make time to go home to accompany his parents. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] During meals, he would always deliberately and casually bring up a few bits of domestic trivia, inquiring about Shen Yu’s recent situation in a low-key manner; not asking much, not saying much, only seeking to know that the other party was safe.

When his longing surged until he couldn’t restrain it, he would uncontrollably drive to downstairs of Shen Yu’s company, finding an inconspicuous corner to quietly park and look at that towering building from afar.

There were a few times he happened to run into Shen Yu getting off work.

Sometimes it was an evening when twilight was gathering, sometimes it was late at night when all was silent.

That person was always alone, rarely walking with colleagues, carrying a cool and serious aura of “strangers keep away.” He was even more deep and seasoned than when he was in university, showing more of a mature man’s charm. The only time he remembered seeing him with someone else was when he was walking with Ji Chaoran.

Lu Zhiyan would sit in the car, watching from afar—not approaching, not disturbing.

As long as he confirmed that the person was safe, healthy, and his brows and eyes were as usual, he would quietly drive away, hiding all his emotions in the night color no one could see.

He had originally thought that as long as he kept watching from afar like this and never easily approached, he could continue to live safely and securely like this with Shen Yu.

Yet he never thought that fate didn’t intend to let him off at all.

The elevator door opened. The corridor was crowded with people, and the smell of disinfectant was stronger. Lu Zhiyan had just stepped out of the elevator when he heard a familiar voice not far away, gentle and low-magnetic, instantly crashing into his eardrums.

“Doctor, is my father’s situation really that serious?”

Lu Zhiyan’s footsteps paused; the blood in his entire body seemed to solidify at this moment.

He slowly raised his eyes to look.

By the ward door, Shen Yu was standing there talking to Director Wang of the cardiology department.

He wore a dark gray wool sweater with a black trench coat over it. His figure was tall and upright, his temperament cool and steady. Standing in the crowd, he was exceptionally eye-catching, making one notice him at a glance.

Beside him, Chu Xiyao was standing quietly, wearing a dark brown velvet dress, her long hair pulled into a gentle bun. She was carrying a thermos bucket in her hand, softly comforting Liu Yuzhu, who was beside her with a haggard complexion.

When Chu Xiyao spoke, she slowly raised her hand to loop through Shen Yu’s arm, her fingertips gently resting on his forearm, her posture intimate and natural. When Shen Yu lowered his head to look at her, the depths of his eyes brimmed with a shallow smile.

Lu Zhiyan stood in place, as if his footsteps had been nailed down, his gaze staring dead at that figure. His heart felt as if it were being repeatedly hammered by a blunt object, hurting him until he could barely breathe.

He had secretly done psychological preparation countless times, thinking he could calmly face it, but only when he truly saw Shen Yu show such gentleness toward Chu Xiyao again, and saw them looking so compatible, did he collapse and discover that all the efforts he had made before were so vulnerable.

The churning emotions in his chest almost drowned him. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He subconsciously wanted to escape, wanted to turn and leave this place that suffocated him immediately. But he was a doctor, the person in charge of this consultation, he had nowhere to run.

The several interns following behind him saw him suddenly halt and not move forward, all revealing confusion. One of them couldn’t help but ask in a low voice, “Director Lu? What’s wrong?”

This call of “Director Lu” broke the tranquility of the corridor.

Shen Yu violently turned his head.

Their eyes met.

Time seemed to freeze at this moment.

The smile on Shen Yu’s face instantly froze, the gentleness in the depths of his eyes fading, replaced by shock, and a trace of imperceptible panic, as if he had been struck by something without any warning.

He stared blankly at Lu Zhiyan, his lips moving, seemingly wanting to say something, yet it was stuck in his throat, unable to make a sound.

Chu Xiyao also sensed something was wrong. Following Shen Yu’s gaze, she looked at Lu Zhiyan, a trace of surprise flashing in the depths of her eyes, followed by a polite, shallow smile.

Liu Yuzhu, however, excitedly stepped forward a few steps:

“Yanyan? Why are you here?”

Lu Zhiyan regained his senses, suppressed the churning emotions in his heart, forcefully raised a professional, gentle smile on his face, and walked up quickly. First, he nodded at Liu Yuzhu, his voice calm:

“Auntie Liu, long time no see, I just started working at this hospital, in the heart surgery department.”

His gaze swiftly drifted past Shen Yu, not lingering, as if he were only looking at a stranger. He then lowered his head and smiled gently at Chu Xiyao, then turned to the cardiology director:

“Director Wang, I’m here for the consultation.”

Director Wang hurriedly responded: “Just in time that Director Lu is here, the patient is inside.”

Throughout the whole process, he didn’t look at Shen Yu again.

Yet he could clearly feel that scorching gaze, carrying shock, confusion, and a trace of complex emotion he couldn’t read, stabbing at him like a needle.

“Yanyan, you returned to the country to work? Why didn’t you say so earlier?”

Liu Yuzhu held his hand, her tone intimate.

“That’s wonderful, we can see each other often in the future.”

“Just decided not long ago, haven’t had time to visit you and Uncle Shen.”

Lu Zhiyan responded with a smile, his tone appropriate. When he withdrew his hand, his fingertips inadvertently touched Shen Yu’s coat beside Liu Yuzhu. That touch made his heart jolt, and he subconsciously retracted his hand.

This subtle movement didn’t escape Shen Yu’s eyes. His brows slightly knitted. Finally regaining his own voice, his tone carried a bit of imperceptible hoarseness:

“You… have recovered physically?”

Only then did Lu Zhiyan raise his eyes to look at him. His gaze was calm and waveless, like a lake deep enough that one couldn’t see the bottom, without the slightest ripple:

“Recovered, thank you for your concern.”

The distant and polite tone was like an invisible barrier, instantly separating the two of them.

Shen Yu’s complexion turned a few fractions paler, a trace of hurt flashing in the depths of his eyes. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but Chu Xiyao gently pulled his arm, saying softly:

“A’Yu, don’t disturb Zhiyan’s work, Dad is still inside waiting for the consultation.”

Her voice was gentle, carrying the right sense of propriety, timely breaking the stagnant atmosphere between the two. Yet that natural and intimate “Dad” was like a fine needle, ruthlessly stabbing into Lu Zhiyan’s heart, hurting until his breathing stalled.

Shen Yu looked at Chu Xiyao, then looked at Lu Zhiyan, ultimately stepping back one step to yield the position.

Lu Zhiyan said no more, pushing the door and walking straight into the ward. The instant the door closed, his eye sockets uncontrollably turned red.

Inside the door, lay his duty.

Outside the door, lay his bone-deep, yet unreachable love.

His footsteps paused. Lowering his head slightly, he took a deep breath, using a mere few seconds to forcefully press all his churning emotions back to the bottom of his heart. When he raised his eyes again, only the calmness and restraint a doctor should have remained in the depths of his eyes.

He couldn’t be uncomposed, much less let anyone see the slightest abnormality. He could only force himself to devote his full attention to the discussion of the condition.

The consultation went smoothly. Lu Zhiyan, relying on his superb medical skills, quickly gave a treatment plan. Director Wang praised him endlessly, but he was absent-minded, repeatedly replaying Shen Yu’s gaze just now and Chu Xiyao holding that person’s arm in his mind.

When walking out of the ward, he only gave a quick nod to Liu Yuzhu to greet her, then hurriedly brushed past Shen Yu and Chu Xiyao, walking into the elevator at the end of the corridor without looking back.

The elevator door slowly closed, reflecting his pale face. He subconsciously raised his hand to cover his chest, only feeling it hurting terribly.

“Director Lu, are you okay?”

“Are you feeling unwell?”

The several interns behind him saw that his state wasn’t right, all hurriedly stepping forward to care for him softly.

Lu Zhiyan slowly lowered his hand, forcing himself to pull out a gentle smile, his voice light and hoarse:

“I’m fine.”

He paused, then steadied his tone, recovering his usual calmness and capability:

“You all go prepare the information for the next few cases, I’ll be there shortly.”

As his voice fell, the elevator arrived at the floor. He didn’t linger any longer, walking straight out. Every step he took was steady and restrained, as if that surge of heartbreak that had almost drowned him just now had never appeared.

Only the hand tucked in his white coat pocket, in a place no one could see, was gripped dead-tight into a fist, hiding all the emotions of collapsing under the strain.

One week later, Lu Zhiyan had just finished a surgery lasting more than five hours. When he took off his mask, his fingertips still carried the chill of disinfectant.

The nurse handed him warm water. He tilted his head and downed more than half the cup, and the dryness in his throat slightly eased. Turning around just as he stepped out of the operating room door, he bumped into that familiar figure standing not far away.

Shen Yu wore a light brown high-neck sweater with a dark overcoat on the outside. His figure was tall, looking exceptionally eye-catching amidst the busy medical staff coming and going.

He wasn’t bringing Chu Xiyao like last time, but was all alone, his fingertips gripping a white thermos bucket. His gaze rested on Lu Zhiyan, carrying a bit of indistinguishable gloom.

Lu Zhiyan’s footsteps paused, his heart violently tightening. His expression, however, remained professionally calm. He deliberately avoided that scorching gaze, quickened his pace, and intended to walk past that person as if pretending not to see him.

Shen Yu, however, turned sideways to block his path. His voice was pressed very low, carrying a slight hoarseness:

“A’Yan, I have something I want to say to you.”

People were coming and going in the corridor, and quite a few gazes were cast over. Lu Zhiyan’s brows slightly knitted:

“I have things to process.”

“Just ten minutes.”

Shen Yu’s gaze chased tightly after him, refusing to yield, fine emotions churning in the depths of his eyes, “The rooftop, won’t delay you for too long.”

That gaze was too stubborn. Even if Lu Zhiyan forced himself not to meet his eyes, he was still entangled until he had nowhere to escape.

After a moment of silence, he ultimately relented, turning around to walk toward the safety stairwell, his voice low, hoarse, and restrained:

“Just ten minutes.”