Chapter 56: Be Content

When Lu Zhiyan opened his eyes again, what greeted his sight was the blindingly white ceiling overhead, so clean it didn’t have a single trace of texture, extremely like his empty and blank heart at this moment.

The churning dreams from the chaos just now still lingered in his mind, entirely memories concerning this body, shattered like a jigsaw puzzle swept by a fierce wind, piercing into his heart piece by piece.

There were nights of flashing neon, there was his indulgent and chaotic self, there was an appearance of distant and alienated brows and eyes, there were the unfamiliar streets and ice-cold hospital consultation rooms of a foreign land, and also… Shen Yu.

That person stood at a distance neither far nor near, quietly looking at him. In those eyes that once brimmed with gentleness, only heavy hurt and loneliness remained.

He also dreamed of himself losing his temper at Shen Yu, his tone caustic, his attitude cold, even reaching out to shove him. The specific words and sentences were blurred and unclear, yet Shen Yu’s slightly trembling fingertips hanging by his side, and that gaze pretending to be calm but instantly dimming, were so clear they pierced through his heart frame by frame.

Every scene was silently telling him—

Even if he did it all over again, he was still that person who would only bring pain and torment to Shen Yu.

It was he who personally pushed that person away, it was he who made that person whose heart was entirely filled with him covered in cuts and bruises time and time again.

Unknown when, tears had already dampened the pillow towel. The warm liquid slid past his temples into his strands of hair, chilling to the bone.

Lu Zhiyan dead-tightly gripped the bedsheet, his knuckles turning white. His heart felt as if it had been ruthlessly clenched tight by an invisible hand, even his breathing carrying a tearing pain.

He hated this self of his, hated it to his very bones.

Why was it that no matter how many times he restarted, he would only hurt the person he most wanted to protect in the palm of his hand.

The ticking sound of the instruments was clear and ice-cold. The dull ache transmitting from his four limbs and hundreds of bones, mixed with the faint swelling and stuffiness in his chest, tangled him until he almost suffocated.

The ward was very quiet. The wind outside the window, wrapped in a chill, swept past the treetops. The rustle was so light it was as if someone were sighing in despair.

Lu Zhiyan blinked, un-dried moisture still clinging to his eyelashes. He just kept his eyes open like this, staring blankly at the corner of the ceiling. His mind was a tangled mess, yet strangely revealed an aura of dead-silent calm.

The door was gently pushed open. It was his parents’ footsteps, so light they were afraid of disturbing him.

Li Mei came in holding a cup of warm water. Seeing him awake, the depths of her eyes instantly brimmed with joy, yet she forcefully suppressed it, not daring to be too excited. Her voice was placed extremely soft and slow:

“Yanyan is awake? How do you feel? Are you feeling unwell anywhere?”

Lu Zhiyuan followed behind, holding a freshly washed towel in his hands. On his face was unhideable fatigue, yet the depths of his eyes were full of concern. He walked to the bedside and cautiously helped Lu Zhiyan wipe his face, his movements clumsy yet gentle.

Looking at the white hair at his parents’ temples, and the heavy dark circles deep in their eyes, Lu Zhiyan’s originally somewhat numb heart violently clenched. A dense, stinging pain spread out once again.

He truly owed them too much…

“I’m fine, Mom.”

He spoke, his voice still a bit hoarse, yet he tried his best to make his tone sound peaceful, “Just a bit tired.”

Li Mei let out a sigh of relief, yet her eye sockets turned red. She hurriedly handed the water cup to his mouth:

“It’s good that you’re fine, it’s good that you’re fine. Come, drink some warm water to moisten your throat.”

The warm water slid down his throat, carrying warmth, dispelling a bit of the dryness. Lu Zhiyan looked at his mother’s cautious appearance, his heart a jumble of mixed feelings. There was guilt, there was heartache, and there was a trace of indescribable sourness. He knew his parents were afraid of stimulating him; his loss of control yesterday was still vivid in their minds. They must have stayed awake all night, worried and frightened until now.

He couldn’t go on like this anymore.

“Mom,” Lu Zhiyan looked at Li Mei, opening his mouth softly, “I’m a bit hungry.”

Li Mei froze for a moment, and then genuine joy burst forth on her face. She hurriedly nodded:

“It’s good that you’re hungry, it’s good that you’re hungry! Mom will go back right now to boil soup for you, boil the mushroom soup you love drinking the most.”

As she spoke, she turned and was about to walk outside, her footsteps much brisker. Reaching the door, she turned back to instruct, “Old man, watch over Yanyan properly. If there’s anything, call me immediately.”

“I know, walk slowly.”

Lu Zhiyuan responded, yet his gaze remained falling on Lu Zhiyan from beginning to end, carrying heavy worry.

Only the father and son were left in the ward, and the atmosphere quieted down.

Lu Zhiyuan silently helped Lu Zhiyan adjust the head of the bed, letting him half-sit and lean against the pillows. His movements were gentle and meticulous, deeply afraid of bumping him and causing pain.

“Yanyan,” Lu Zhiyuan let out a sigh, his voice carrying a bit of earnestness, “Your body is your capital. No matter what you encounter, you cannot joke with your own life. In the future when you’re outside, you must pay attention to safety, don’t let Mom and Dad worry anymore.”

He didn’t press for reasons, didn’t blame, only nagged and instructed, saying that his work in the United States was hard, that he had to learn to balance work and rest, saying that everything at home was fine and he didn’t need to worry, saying that if he was tired in the future, just come back, there would always be a place for him at home.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart took a violent, stunned jolt.

In his father’s words, there was not a single mention of his work domestically, and even less a mention of jumping into the sea; he only said it was an accidental injury.

It seemed that many things had already changed…

Last night’s dream had actually already given him a faint premonition long ago. It was just that those fragmented memory shards that had surfaced were ultimately insufficient to piece together those years he had been absent.

He suppressed the complex emotions churning in his heart. His face remained calm and collected, merely nodding gently:

“Dad, I know, I won’t anymore.”

He couldn’t let his parents see anything unusual. There were some things he had to figure out himself.

“Dad, please call the attending physician over for me.”

Lu Zhiyan looked at Lu Zhiyuan, his tone calm, “I want to chat with him alone, understand my physical condition a bit, so I can also feel at ease.”

Lu Zhiyuan hesitated slightly, seemingly worried that his emotions would fluctuate again upon hearing bad news, but seeing his firm gaze, not looking like he was about to throw a tantrum, he ultimately nodded:

“Okay, you wait, I’ll go call him.”

Waiting until his father turned and left, Lu Zhiyan’s gaze then shifted to the mobile phone on the bedside table.

He gritted his teeth, enduring the pain all over his body, slightly turned his body sideways, reached out and grabbed the phone, his fingertip giving a gentle swipe. The instant the screen lit up, he saw the time column impressively displaying: May 13, 2023.

His chest suddenly tightened, giving a gentle jolt. One day—one day later than the day he threw himself into the sea.

Before he had time to think carefully, a soft, shallow knock came from outside the door.

Lu Zhiyan gently raised his eyes and saw the attending physician push the door and walk in.

“Mr. Lu, how do you feel?”

The doctor pulled over a chair and sat down, flipping open the medical record book, his tone gentle.

Lu Zhiyan went straight to the topic, his voice hoarse and low:

“Doctor, this time… how did I get injured?”

The doctor froze for a moment, then understood, merely assuming he had blurred memories post-trauma, and patiently explained:

“You were hit and injured by a drunk driver by the roadside late at night. Upon arrival at the hospital, you had mild intracranial bleeding and multiple soft tissue contusions on your body. Fortunately, you were brought in in a timely manner and your life is not in danger, you just need to rest and recover in peace.”

Drunk driving… hit…

Lu Zhiyan’s heart gently trembled, and immediately after, a trace of understanding flashed in the depths of his eyes.

It seemed that he had changed the past and saved Shen Yu; the trajectory of this world had also thoroughly reversed along with it. Even his own fate had long since deviated from its original track.

Then Shen Yu… the Shen Yu of today, what exactly had he experienced in these years after his departure? In his memory shards, that person’s hurt and exhausted gaze suddenly swept through his mind, piercing him until he violently suffocated, even his breathing pausing for half a beat.

Lu Zhiyan forcefully suppressed the churning emotions at the bottom of his heart and asked the doctor a few more questions about the details of his physical recovery. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] The doctor patiently answered them one by one, and repeatedly instructed him to be sure to rest and recover in peace, absolutely not allowing his emotions to experience drastic ups and downs.

Not long after the doctor left, the ward door was pushed open again. Li Mei walked in quickly carrying a thermos bucket, a gentle smile on her face:

“Yanyan, today’s soup is boiled especially well, hurry and drink some while it’s hot.”

Lu Zhiyuan followed behind, still carrying a food box in his hand, which contained a few light side dishes.

Li Mei opened the thermos bucket, and the rich mushroom aroma instantly permeated out. She ladled a bowl of soup, blew it cool, and only then handed it to Lu Zhiyan’s mouth:

“Come, son, drink the soup.”

Lu Zhiyan drank in small mouthfuls. The warm soup slid into his throat, soft and mellow. His stomach felt warm, yet there was still some faint discomfort. He forced himself to drink more than half the bowl before shaking his head:

“Mom, I’m full.”

Li Mei didn’t force him. She packed things up, sat by the bed and looked at him, her eyes full of heartache, and began to nag and talk about domestic trivia.

Lu Zhiyan followed her words, responding casually, taking the opportunity to ask seemingly inadvertently:

“Mom, I’ve been lying here for ten days or half a month, has anything happened?”

Li Mei didn’t think much of it, replying casually:

“What could happen? Just your hospital in the US called a few times to confirm the situation with us, and your Uncle Shen and the others came to visit several times. Oh right, at night, as long as Little Yu isn’t working overtime, he would always come here to help, running up and down. It’s all thanks to him, otherwise your dad and I would really find it a bit too much to handle.”

Lu Zhiyan’s heart violently sank, his fingertips turning slightly stiff. Heartache, sourness, overwhelming powerlessness—sure enough, he would only bring trouble and harm to Shen Yu…

Li Mei, however, didn’t notice the heaviness in his heart, and continued to ask softly, “Son, your matter of returning to the country to handle immigration procedures this time will probably be delayed. Will it affect your promotion over there in the US?”

So, I returned to the country to handle immigration procedures.

The hand Lu Zhiyan used to grip the quilt violently tightened, his knuckles turning white, yet his voice remained calm:

“It won’t, don’t worry. A’Yu… is he still working at the software company now?”

“Yeah,” Li Mei nodded, her tone carrying a bit of admiration, “Little Yu is as excellent as you. When he returned to the country the year before last, many big companies were scrambling to hire him! Now he’s doing splendidly in a major software company; heard from your Auntie Liu that he’s already a director. You came back in such a hurry this time and didn’t even have time to have a proper gathering with them before this happened, sigh… Let’s not bring it up, it’s all in the past, let’s not bring it up.”

It seemed Shen Yu really went abroad to study, just like they had agreed back then…

Lu Zhiyan’s nose turned sour.

He took a deep breath and asked again:

“Then… the girl beside him is?”

Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan exchanged a glance. Their eyes carried a bit of joy, and they hurriedly said softly:

“That’s the girl from the Chu family, named Chu Xiyao. She’s a prospective partner introduced by your Auntie Liu’s colleague. The two of them have been dating for almost a year now. That girl’s parents are both civil servants, their family background is quite good, and they are especially satisfied with our Little Yu. That girl is also gentle as a person, works at the court, has a high income, and her career is stable. The two are quite a good match; they are already preparing for engagement.”

Chu Xiyao… engagement…

Lu Zhiyan’s heart felt as if it were ruthlessly clenched by something, hurting until he could barely breathe. Yet he still forced himself to calm down, and asked again:

“A’Yu… his health has always been quite good, right?”

“Quite good.”

Lu Zhiyuan chimed in, his tone somewhat confused, “Why ask this all of a sudden?”

“Nothing,” Lu Zhiyan lowered his eyes, concealing the emotions in the depths of his eyes, “Just haven’t seen him for a long time, asking casually.”

Li Mei seemed to have remembered something and sighed:

“Speaking of which, you were quite scary this time too. The police said you had drank a little wine at the time, walking by the street in the middle of the night, before you were hit by the drunk driver. Yanyan, is the work pressure in the US too great, making you unable to sleep at night? Don’t give yourself such a huge burden, money can never be completely earned, your body is the most important.”

So his parents thought he was so stressed he couldn’t sleep, strolling by the street in the dead of night, which was why the accident happened.

Looking at the genuine worry and heartache in his parents’ eyes, Lu Zhiyan gently nodded and responded, “Mhm, okay.”

His heart was a jumble of mixed feelings, both astringent and sour, yet hiding the deepest gratitude toward the heavens.

He exerted all his strength to return to the past, seeking nothing more than to keep Shen Yu safe. Now Shen Yu was living well, physically healthy, with a stable career, and even had a person to accompany him for a lifetime. Although, it was different from the appearance he initially hoped for…

All of this was exchanged with his life.

This is fine too…

It seemed he was destined to be unable to give Shen Yu happiness. Every time he drew near, it became a hurt; every bit of hope given, in the end, would make him disappointed even deeper.

Strictly speaking, he was long since a dead man. No one could say for sure which day he would once again be soundlessly drawn away.

Since he couldn’t give his most beloved person long-lasting stability, then he shouldn’t draw near again.

From now on, guarding him from afar would be enough.

The churning emotions at the bottom of his heart blocked him until he was a bit out of breath, only wanting to silently digest it alone.

“Mom, Dad, I want to be alone for a while, is that okay?”

Lu Zhiyan closed his eyes, his voice exhausted.

Li Mei hurriedly got up:

“Okay, okay, okay, you stay by yourself for a while, we won’t disturb you. Mom and your dad will go for a stroll downstairs, call us if you need anything.”

“Okay, thank you, Mom and Dad.”

The two elders smiled at him and walked out of the ward together. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] The door was gently closed, and the ward returned to quiet again.

Lu Zhiyan turned his head to look out the window.

The new leaves on the branches had long since grown fully, shaken violently by the wind. The leaves collided and curled against each other, their greenness deep and heavy, like clusters of melancholy with nowhere to settle, swinging chaotically in mid-air, spreading a patch of faint sorrow.

He was silent, silently calculating in his heart.

Tomorrow he would send an email to the US, submitting his resignation application. With his qualifications, returning to Beicheng to find a post at a top-tier public hospital wouldn’t be difficult.

In the future, he would stay in Beicheng, guarding his parents, guarding this piece of land that had Shen Yu.

He wouldn’t draw near again, wouldn’t disturb again, just looking from afar, watching Shen Yu get married and have children, watching him live his days safely and peacefully. Perhaps in the future, Shen Yu’s child could even acknowledge him as a godfather. Every year during the New Year, he would still be able to smile and give the children big red envelopes.

Like this, is enough…

As he thought and thought, his eye sockets turned hot again. Scalding tears silently slid down, following his cheeks to drip onto the quilt, blurring out a small patch of wet mark. Lu Zhiyan raised his hand and violently wiped his face, wiping away the tears dry, his fingertips carrying a slightly cool wetness.

“Be content.”

He said to himself, his voice as light as a sigh.

The setting sun on the horizon gradually sank, revealing orange-yellow light. Lu Zhiyan silently watched that blurred magnificence, his heart welling with threads of warmth and complex sourness.

So beautiful… A’Yu can also see this setting sun, right?

Thinking of this, the corners of Lu Zhiyan’s mouth unconsciously curved up slightly, drawing out a complex smile.

Not long after, the sound of footsteps came from outside the door; his parents had returned.

Lu Zhiyan took a deep breath, trying hard to suppress all his emotions, a calm smile rising on his face.

The moment the two pushed the door and entered, Lu Zhiyan spoke softly, “Mom, Dad……”

“Mhm? What’s wrong, son? Are you hungry?”

Lu Zhiyan shook his head, replying softly, “Mom, I’ve thought it through. I want to return to the country to develop, and properly accompany you two in the future.”

Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan violently froze in place, and immediately after, massive joy burst forth on their faces. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] Li Mei’s tears instantly fell down. She walked quickly to the bedside and held his hand:

“Really? Yanyan, are you telling the truth?”

“Mhm,” Lu Zhiyan nodded, his smile a bit more genuine, “Really, i won’t leave anymore in the future. Just work at the hospital over here, buy a house close to you guys, and accompany you.”

Lu Zhiyuan’s eye sockets also turned red. He patted his shoulder, his voice carrying choking sobs:

“Good, good, coming back is good, coming back is good.”

Looking at the gratified smiles of his parents, Lu Zhiyan’s heart also warmed a bit along with it.

Here, accompanying his own parents to enjoy their old age in peace, and then guarding from afar the unforgettable love deep in his heart, silently blessing him, until the day when the boundless black silence would once again thoroughly devour him without warning arrived.

Perhaps…

This would be his best final destination.