Chapter 60: Locked Away

When the door to the rooftop was pushed open, the wind, carrying a chill, rushed toward them, whipping up the corners of their coats.

Autumn in Beicheng was already deep. The sky was gray, the outlines of the buildings in the distance were blurred, and the parasol trees downstairs had shed all their leaves, leaving only bare branches swaying in the wind.

Lu Zhiyan walked to the railing and stood with his back to Shen Yu, his hands shoved into the pockets of his white coat, his voice as cold as the wind:

“Speak, what is it ?”

Footsteps came from behind him. Shen Yu’s fingertips twitched. It seemed he hesitated for a long time before he finally opened his mouth slowly:

“I heard from my father’s attending physician that the treatment plan from last time was designed by you. It was very effective; he’s felt significantly more comfortable these past few days.”

“That’s as it should be, I am a doctor.”

Lu Zhiyan didn’t even look back, his tone flat and waveless.

The air fell into a stagnation, with only the sound of the wind whistling by his ears.

Shen Yu looked at his lean back. That back was much thinner than in his memory; the hem of his white coat was blown by the wind, flapping violently, like a paper kite that could be blown away at any moment.

His chest felt as if it were blocked by something, stuffy to the point of pain. Shen Yu spoke with difficulty:

“You planned to return to the country to develop your career, why didn’t you tell me?”

Lu Zhiyan finally turned around, his gaze falling upon his face, calm without a single ripple:

“Between us, it seems there was no need for a special notification.”

These words were spoken calmly, yet every word stabbed into Shen Yu’s heart like a needle. He knitted his brows violently, his tone carrying a trace of imperceptible grievance:

“A’Yan, do we have to be like this?”

“Otherwise?”

Lu Zhiyan pulled at the corners of his mouth, revealing a very faint smile, but there wasn’t a trace of warmth in the depths of his eyes.

“Could it be you still want me to be like before, being hot and cold toward you at whim, summoning you whenever I pleased, and then occasionally calling you out to a hotel to fool around? Shen Yu, you are a person with a fiancée now. Continuing to play ‘bed partner’ games with me isn’t quite right, is it?”

Mentioning Chu Xiyao, Shen Yu’s complexion changed slightly, and he subconsciously wanted to explain:

“Her and I…”

“I have no interest in knowing.”

Lu Zhiyan interrupted him, his tone suddenly turning a few degrees colder.

“You didn’t find me just to say these things, did you? If there is nothing else, I should go down.”

He turned to leave, but his wrist was suddenly gripped by Shen Yu.

Shen Yu’s hand was very hot, and the force was shockingly great, as if he were afraid that he would run away.

Lu Zhiyan’s entire body went rigid. He subconsciously wanted to break free, but was gripped even tighter.

“A’Yan…”

Shen Yu’s voice carried suppressed excitement, his eyes reddening.

“The night of the car accident, why did you go downstairs of my company, and why did you drink so much alcohol? Were you…”

He had too many things he wanted to ask…

He wanted to ask if it was because of him, wanted to ask if he still hadn’t let go, wanted to ask why he returned to the country to develop his career, wanted to ask if he hadn’t lived well in the United States all these years.

But when the words reached his lips, he couldn’t ask them.

He would never forget the look in Lu Zhiyan’s eyes in the ward. The despair and dead silence in that gaze were like a dull knife, repeatedly slicing at his heart.

When he left the United States as that person wished back then, he had thought that even if they separated, they could at least get along like friends when they met again. But now, that person had built a high wall against him, completely, thoroughly, and utterly isolating him outside the door of his heart.

Lu Zhiyan’s body was taut, straight as a board; his back was held stiffly. The scorching temperature transmitted from the wrist gripped by Shen Yu made his heart panic and scatter in chaos. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, his voice carrying a trace of trembling:

“Let go of me, Shen Yu.”

Shen Yu’s heart jolted violently, and the force of his grip unconsciously loosened a little.

Lu Zhiyan seized the opportunity to break free from his hand, took a step back, and violently widened the distance between the two. A clear red mark was gripped onto his wrist, stacked on top of that still-conspicuous long scar, looking exceptionally glaring.

He looked at Shen Yu, and finally there was emotion in the depths of his eyes—not warmth, but sourness and exhaustion so thick it could not be melted:

“Shen Yu, let the past be the past. You are living very well now; you have a decent job, a gentle fiancée…”

He paused, his voice as light as a sigh.

“I am doing very well, really. You also take good care of yourself—that is enough.”

“I…”

Shen Yu still wanted to say something, but facing Lu Zhiyan’s indifferent gaze, the words were stuck in his throat and couldn’t come out no matter what.

He wanted to say, in the days without you, I am not doing well at all.

But he knew clearly in his heart that once some words were spoken, they would only add more trouble for each other. They were no longer the twenty-year-old youths from back then; each had their own ties and responsibilities, and their hearts were also burdened with too many concerns that could not be spoken clearly or exhausted.

Chu Xiyao was, after all, a fiancée approved by his parents, and the two families were already preparing for the engagement. He could no longer act like before, only concerned about his own heart.

And by Lu Zhiyan’s side, there had never been a lack of bed partners. After so many years, perhaps to him, he was truly just an expendable existence.

Although…

That person had once given him a dream so short that, recalling it now, he even felt it was unreal.

The autumn wind rolled with the two men’s silence, blowing until their eyes grew sour.

Shen Yu looked at the red mark on Lu Zhiyan’s wrist, a burst of guilt in his heart. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He reached out wanting to touch it, yet was afraid of provoking his revulsion, ultimately only withdrawing his hand. His voice was low and hoarse:

“In the thermos bucket is the twice-cooked pork I made, the kind you used to love eating the most, and mushroom soup. You just finished surgery, you must be hungry. During this period, I noticed you hadn’t been eating properly. Your body just recovered, you cannot keep being like this; you must eat on time.”

Lu Zhiyan’s gaze landed on that white thermos bucket. His chest violently shrank, and a dense, stinging pain spread out.

Many beautiful yet painful memories instantly spread out, pricking his eye sockets until they couldn’t stop turning sour.

But now… everything could not be returned to.

He shook his head, his tone firm: “No need, I don’t love eating it anymore.”

After speaking, he turned and walked away, without a hint of lingering attachment.

Shen Yu stood in place, watching his resolute back disappear at the stairwell. His chest felt as if it had been hollowed out; it hurt so much he couldn’t breathe.

Lu Zhiyan hurriedly retreated into the safety stairwell, running desperately downward along the stairs. He didn’t know how long he had been running before he finally stopped his panicked footsteps, leaning his back against the ice-cold wall, gasping for breath. The red mark on his wrist was still burning hot, and the pain in his chest came one wave tighter than the last. Tears finally couldn’t be held back anymore, sliding silently down his cheeks.

He raised his hand and wiped away the tear tracks fiercely, laughing at himself mockingly.

Lu Zhiyan, your acting is truly rotten!

You are truly useless.

He stood quietly in the empty safety stairwell for a long time, until his breathing gradually steadied and the moisture in his eyes completely faded, before he rearranged his white coat, pressed down all the churning emotions in the bottom of his heart, and walked back to the ward area step by step.

By the time the afternoon consultation was completely finished, Lu Zhiyan returned to his office dragging his fatigue.

The setting sun had already sunk to the west. Golden light cut diagonally in through the blinds, casting stripes of intersecting light and shadow on the floor.

Lu Zhiyan had only just sat down when he saw Nurse Xiao Zhou knock and enter, holding a white thermos bucket in her hands.

“Director Lu, a gentleman entrusted me to give this to you at noon, saying you must accept it. But you were busy with consultations all afternoon, and I didn’t dare to disturb you, so I’m only delivering it to you now.”

As Xiao Zhou spoke, she placed the thermos bucket on Lu Zhiyan’s office desk.

Lu Zhiyan’s gaze landed on the thermos bucket. His fingertips curled slightly, his Adam’s apple bobbed. Ultimately, he didn’t say anything, merely saying a faint thanks.

Xiao Zhou smiled and shook her head, gently pulling the door shut and retreating outside.

When he was the only one left in the office, the silence around him surged in like a tide, thoroughly wrapping him up.

He stared at that thermos bucket for a long time. Ultimately, he still couldn’t resist, slowly extending his fingertips toward it.

The moment he touched the thermos bucket, he could still feel the residual warmth left on it, carrying fine warmth, seeping bit by bit into his skin.

Opening the lid, he saw it was divided into three layers. The top layer was a white porcelain bowl with the lid tightly covering the bowl’s mouth; the middle layer was rice; and the bottom layer was the warm mushroom soup.

The instant he lifted the lid of the white porcelain bowl, a rich fragrance rushed toward him. It was the smell of twice-cooked pork, carrying the clear sweetness of garlic sprouts and the charred fragrance of pork belly, exactly the same as the taste in his memory.

The twice-cooked pork that Shen Yu made was always fatty but not greasy, lean but not tough. The mellow richness of the bean paste fused with the slight sweetness of white sugar perfectly. Every slice of meat was wrapped in bright, fresh sauce, making one’s appetite open wide just by looking at it.

Lu Zhiyan’s eye sockets instantly turned hot.

He remembered back in high school when Shen Yu would always sneakily bring him twice-cooked pork, and the two of them would sneakily eat it with the dorm room door closed. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] The lighting back then was dim, and the air was full of the fragrance of food and the joyous laughter of youths—simple and pure.

Later, when he went abroad, what he missed the most was this taste.

Although he had been to countless Chinese restaurants over there, and even a meticulous bed partner had noticed his peculiar fondness for this dish and specifically cooked it for him, in the end, it still wasn’t the taste that Shen Yu made.

It turned out that some tastes were already carved into his bones. Along with that person, they went deep into his marrow, never to be driven away again.

He picked up his chopsticks and picked up a piece of meat, putting it into his mouth.

The familiar taste exploded on the tip of his tongue—salty, fragrant, and rich, carrying just the right amount of heat—exactly the same as the taste in his memory, not a single bit off.

He chewed slowly, his tears falling silently, crashing onto the tabletop and splashing up tiny water droplets.

Delicious, still so delicious.

Delicious to the point that his heart twitched with pain and turned bitter bit by bit…

He remembered Shen Yu’s reddened eye sockets on the rooftop, remembered the force when he gripped his wrist.

But what could be done?

Shen Yu already had a new life; he couldn’t selfishly disturb him, couldn’t let him fall into a dilemma, much less let him suffer for the sake of someone like himself, who could be drawn away at any moment…

He ate mouthful by mouthful, and his tears fell drop by drop—without sound, only the slight trembling of his shoulders.

The twice-cooked pork in the bowl gradually decreased. His stomach felt heavy, yet his chest felt empty, as if it had been hollowed out by something, hurting him densely.

He remembered Shen Yu and Chu Xiyao’s clasped hands in the ward, remembered the way Chu Xiyao gently looped through that person’s arm, remembered what his parents said about a talented man and a beautiful woman, a match made in heaven.

Yes, them being like this was the right way.

Shen Yu deserved better; deserved someone who could stand by his side openly and legitimately, someone who could give him a stable life, instead of a burden like him, who would only bring pain and trouble.

When the bowl of twice-cooked pork was finished, Lu Zhiyan set down his chopsticks. Looking at the empty bowl, only a patch of dead-silent calm remained in the depths of his eyes.

He raised his hand to wipe away the residual tear marks on his face; his fingertips were icy cold. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He then stood up to wash the thermos bucket thoroughly, patiently wiping it dry, and put the lid back on, as if it had never been opened.

Only that taste had long since been carved into his taste buds. Along with that bone-deep longing and pain, it was once again deeply branded into the bottom of his heart.

He walked to the window, gazing at the setting sun gradually sinking outside the window. The evening glow dyed half the sky red—gorgeous yet fleeting, exactly like the time they once had.

His mobile phone gently vibrated. It was a message from his mother, asking if he was coming home for dinner tonight, saying she had stewed the soup he loved to drink.

Lu Zhiyan gazed at the screen, and a trace of faint warmth finally rippled in the depths of his eyes.

He still had his parents, and still had people he needed to guard.

Those things he couldn’t obtain and couldn’t let go of, let them be buried in the bottom of his heart forever.

In this lifetime, to be able to watch Shen Yu from afar and know he was well, and to be able to guard his parents in peace until they grew old, was enough.

He picked up his phone and replied: Coming back, see you tonight.

Putting down the phone, he turned back to look at the thermos bucket on the office desk. After a moment of silence, he stepped forward, picked it up, put it into the cabinet under the desk, and gently locked it.

Just like locking away those surging emotions, locking away that unforgettable past.