Chapter 57: This Is the Best Way

The fluorescent light in the ward emitted a soft humming sound, illuminating Lu Zhiyan’s pale profile, making it appear increasingly translucent. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He leaned against the head of the bed, flipping through a medical journal. His fingertips traced past the densely packed text on the pages, yet his gaze was somewhat unfocused.

Ever since they had agreed two days ago that he would return to Beicheng to develop his career, the smiles on his parents’ faces hadn’t ceased. They busied themselves back and forth, managing his diet and daily life, and even the doctor said he was recovering faster than expected.

However, only Lu Zhiyan himself knew that while the wounds on his body were healing, the hole in his heart was growing ever larger.

He didn’t dare close his eyes.

The moment he closed his eyes, it was the image of Shen Yu lying on a hospital bed at death’s door in the past, the suffocation of being wrapped by ice-cold seawater as he continuously sank, Shen Yu’s reddened eye sockets, the chaotic memories inside this body, and the dream that could never be completed in this lifetime… All the images twisted into a tangled mess, ruthlessly wringing his heart, even his breathing carrying a heart-gouging pain.

The door was gently pushed open, bringing in a gust of slightly cool wind, interrupting Lu Zhiyan’s trance. He raised his eyes to look over, his heart violently shrinking, his fingertips gripping the page turning white instantly.

Shen Yu stood at the door carrying a thermos bucket. His figure was tall and upright, the cuffs of his black shirt meticulously rolled up to his forearms, revealing hands with distinct wrist bones. Following behind him was Li Mei, carrying the fruit she had just bought, a gentle smile on her face:

“Yanyan, hurry and look who’s here? Little Yu just returned from a business trip and specifically took leave to come over and help.”

Lu Zhiyan’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He deliberately avoided the gaze Shen Yu cast toward him. His voice was as flat as if he were treating a regular friend:

“Shen Yu, there’s no need to trouble yourself, my parents taking care of me is enough.”

“A’Yan, Little Yu also has good intentions.” Li Mei gave him a reproachful glance, taking the thermos bucket from Shen Yu’s hand.

“Mom and Dad are getting old, we can’t really handle staying up late. With Little Yu helping out at night, we can also let out a sigh of relief. Can’t you be a little considerate of us? Look, Little Yu is so attentive, knowing you love to drink the mushroom soup he makes, he specifically got up early to stew it, drink some while it’s hot.”

The instant the thermos bucket was opened, the rich, fresh aroma of mushrooms permeated out, provoking a surge of churning in Lu Zhiyan’s stomach.

This taste was too familiar. In the past, whenever he came over to the house to bum a meal, Shen Yu would always stew such a pot of mushroom soup he loved to drink, warming him until his entire body felt hot.

But now, this familiar taste was like a fine needle, gently pricking into his heart, hurting him densely and densely.

Shen Yu stood in place without moving, his gaze falling onto Lu Zhiyan’s bandaged wrist, a trace of imperceptible heartache flashing in the depths of his eyes, but he said nothing.

Li Mei deftly ladled a bowl of soup, scooped a spoonful, and handed it to Lu Zhiyan’s mouth:

“Hurry and drink, Little Yu has been stewing it for the entire morning, it’s much more fragrant than what Mom makes.”

Lu Zhiyan looked at the soup spoon handed to his lips. The familiar fragrance lingered at the tip of his nose, and a burst of sharp pain throbbed in his chest. He turned his head to the side, his tone carrying a trace of imperceptible resistance:

“Mom, I don’t want to drink it right now, just leave it there.”

Li Mei froze for a moment, the smile on her face fading a bit. Shen Yu hurriedly smoothed things over:

“It’s fine, Auntie Li, let him drink it in a while. I’ll go wash the fruit first.”

As he spoke, he picked up the fruit Li Mei had brought and turned to walk into the bathroom, deliberately avoiding this somewhat awkward atmosphere.

Lu Zhiyan tried desperately to ignore him, yet the senses of his ears and body uncontrollably followed that person. He strove to capture the extremely faint lemon scent drifting from that person’s body in the air; even the light, shallow footsteps of that person walking toward the bathroom, he was reluctant to let go of a single one.

Reason was frantically sounding the alarm, reminding him that he should be distant, should be cold, but his heart uncontrollably sank, pulling and dragging him until he was about to suffocate.

Underneath the quilt, he quietly clenched his fists tight, blinking hard, striving to control the complex emotions churning endlessly at the bottom of his heart.

He couldn’t… he couldn’t lose control, much less accept this kindness. Every bit of Shen Yu’s gentleness was “lingchi” (death by a thousand cuts) to him, only tearing open the thick camouflage he had barely managed to wrap himself in, inch by inch.

However, no matter how much he resisted, he couldn’t stop Shen Yu from drawing near.

In the days that followed, aside from the occasional temporary overtime, Shen Yu came almost every day.

Lu Zhiyan’s parents were getting old and their bodies couldn’t hold up; most of the duties of staying up at night fell to him. He would come every evening and leave punctually at seven in the morning to go to work. Occasionally when he returned, he would carry a thermos bucket containing the meals Lu Zhiyan used to love eating; sometimes thin-skinned, stuffed-full shaomai, sometimes sweet and soft millet pumpkin porridge, and would take turns stewing various nourishing soups.

He didn’t say much, always silently doing things;

helping Lu Zhiyan wipe his hands and face, organizing the sundries on the bedside table, running errands for the two elders to pay bills and pick up lab reports. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He would even meticulously write down the doctor’s precautions stroke by stroke in a small notebook.

Lu Zhiyan always deliberately avoided him. When Shen Yu wanted to help him wipe his hands, he would stiffly retract his hand, saying he would do it himself; when Shen Yu handed him water, he would let him set it aside, stingy even with saying a single “thank you”; when Shen Yu spoke to him, he would either use “mhm” or “ah” to brush him off, or simply close his eyes and pretend to sleep.

He was like a hedgehog raising its sharp spikes, using a high wall built of indifference to firmly block Shen Yu outside.

He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to control himself, afraid he would pounce into Shen Yu’s embrace and tell him how much he missed him, how much he loved him. But he couldn’t; Shen Yu already had Chu Xiyao, had a bright and smooth life. He couldn’t drag him into his own world full of gloom and unknowns once again.

Shen Yu seemed to have also sensed his alienation, acting increasingly cautiously, always maintaining an appropriate distance.

He would no longer proactively hand him soup or feed him water, only setting things on the bedside table and saying softly, “Remember to eat”; he would no longer stare at Lu Zhiyan, only quietly sitting by the bedside when he was asleep, complex emotions churning in the depths of his eyes, leaving after staying for no more than a few minutes; he would help Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan with many things, yet rarely spoke any extra words to Lu Zhiyan, striving to keep strictly to his duties as a friend.

Today was the weekend, and Shen Yu didn’t need to return to the company for overtime. Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan went home to cook, leaving only the two of them in the ward, quiet enough to only hear the faint ticking of the instruments.

Lu Zhiyan closed his eyes, pretending to sleep, and could clearly feel Shen Yu’s gaze falling on his back, carrying a heavy weight, making his entire body uncomfortable.

Unknown how much time passed, he heard Shen Yu speak softly, his voice as light as a sigh:

“A’Yan, does your hand still hurt?”

Lu Zhiyan’s eyelashes trembled, not opening his eyes, nor speaking, pretending to be fast asleep.

Shen Yu didn’t speak again, merely quietly walking to the bedside to sit down, guarding him in silence.

Lu Zhiyan could feel that gaze falling upon him even more clearly, gentle yet heavy, almost wanting to wrap his entire person up. That silent gaze made it hard for him to restrain himself. A surge of sourness jolted his heart, and he almost couldn’t control dropping tears.

The air was quiet enough to hear each other’s breathing. The long silence pressed until one couldn’t catch one’s breath.

“A’Yan…”

Shen Yu ultimately couldn’t hold back from speaking again. His voice was pressed extremely low, carrying a trace of imperceptible trembling, as if talking to himself against the air, or as if speaking softly to him in his dream, “That night, you drank a lot of alcohol downstairs at my company. I was working overtime the whole time, completely unaware. The moment I went downstairs, I saw you hit by a car by the roadside.”

Lu Zhiyan’s breathing abruptly hitched. The hand inside the quilt was clenched dead-tight into a fist.

“The doctor said you had intracranial bleeding, almost didn’t wake up.”

Shen Yu’s fingertips trembled slightly, his tone carrying lingering fear.

“I guarded you outside the resuscitation room for an entire night. At that time, I was truly so afraid… so afraid you would have an accident…”

Lu Zhiyan’s fist gripped tighter and tighter, his fingernails ruthlessly pinching into his palms, striving to suppress the complex churnings at the bottom of his heart.

He wanted to tell Shen Yu that he was afraid too, he was afraid to death, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to keep him in this lifetime either. He also wanted to thoroughly withdraw and leave, yet couldn’t bear to leave him all alone, deeply afraid of knowing the unfortunate news of Shen Yu last, just like in the past. He had to guard him, only feeling at ease after seeing him safe and sound with his own eyes, but was also afraid his existence would bring him pain and misfortune.

But he couldn’t say anything at all.

“A’Yan, I,”

“Stop talking.”

He spoke violently, interrupting Shen Yu’s words. His tone was cold and hard, carrying deliberate alienation.

The gentleness in the depths of Shen Yu’s eyes instantly solidified. The fingertip he had reached out violently trembled, as if scalded, and then he suddenly withdrew it, lowered his head, and spoke no more.

The atmosphere in the ward instantly plummeted to freezing point, leaving only the ticking of the instruments knocking on their hearts, heavy enough to make one unable to breathe.

Lu Zhiyan opened his eyes and looked at the gray, gloomy sky outside the window. His heart felt as if it were being crazily clawed by countless sharp claws, bone-piercingly painful, bloody and mangled.

He knew he was being too indifferent, but he could only do this. Long pain is worse than short pain; he had to ruthlessly push Shen Yu away, let him completely give up on him, and let him return to the life trajectory he should have had.

Not long after, Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan returned carrying a food box, breaking the dead silence in the ward. They saw Shen Yu standing by the door in a daze, his complexion somewhat unsightly. Then they looked at Lu Zhiyan’s tense back. Although they had questions in their hearts, they didn’t ask much, merely smiling and greeting the two to eat.

Shen Yu hurriedly stepped forward, helping Li Mei arrange the bowls and chopsticks. His movements were deft, only he no longer proactively spoke.

While eating, Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan kept picking food for Shen Yu, muttering:

“Little Yu, you’ve worked hard, running back and forth every day, hurry and eat more.”

“That’s right, look at you, this child, work is so busy, yet you still think about Yanyan.”

Shen Yu curved his lips, yet there was no smile in the depths of his eyes:

“Uncle Lu, Auntie Li, A’Yan and I grew up together, it’s only right.”

Lu Zhiyan ate his meal silently, it tasting like wax. He could feel Shen Yu’s gaze falling upon him cautiously, then swiftly moving away, carrying a trace of hurt grievance, but he didn’t dare to respond, only able to harden his heart, pretending not to see.

In the afternoon, Shen Yu helped Lu Zhiyan with rehabilitation training. The doctor said he had soft tissue contusions on his legs and needed to insist on moving every day to avoid muscle atrophy.

This kind of training required patient support and slow application of force. Li Mei and Lu Zhiyuan were both old; their waists and strength couldn’t keep up and couldn’t support him at all, so it could only be Shen Yu helping out.

Shen Yu stood by the bedside, cautiously lifting Lu Zhiyan’s leg, helping him stretch gently. The force in his fingertips was just right—not making him feel pain, yet still achieving the training effect.

The temperature of his palm transmitted through the fabric, steady and warm. Lu Zhiyan strove to look away and not watch him, yet he could still clearly outline that person’s current appearance in his heart.

A focused, gentle side profile, long eyelashes casting two faint shadows beneath his eyelids, fine beads of sweat seeping from his temples, and the jawline slightly tightened due to exertion. All were appearances he loved to his very bones; no matter how much he looked, it wasn’t enough, and no matter how much he tried to forget, he couldn’t.

His heart felt as if it were being ruthlessly clenched by an invisible hand, hurting until he could barely breathe.

“Shen Yu,” Lu Zhiyan suddenly spoke, his voice carrying a trace of hoarseness, “Wouldn’t Miss Chu mind you coming here every day?”

Shen Yu’s movements violently paused. He looked up at him, a trace of surprise flashing in the depths of his eyes, which then returned to calm, his tone indifferent:

“She knows I came to take care of you, saying it’s only right between friends.”

“Is that so?”

Lu Zhiyan pulled at the corners of his mouth, revealing a mocking smile, “Shen Yu, you already have a fiancée, we’d better keep a bit of distance. With my parents here taking care of me, it’s enough. You don’t need to come anymore.”

This sentence was like an ice awl, ruthlessly stabbing into Shen Yu’s heart. His complexion instantly turned pale, and the hand holding Lu Zhiyan’s leg trembled slightly.

Lu Zhiyan keenly captured that trace of fine trembling, instantly feeling heart-torn, but he still forced himself to look away, continuing to speak coldly, “I don’t want to delay you. You’re about to get engaged, you should spend more time accompanying Miss Chu, instead of taking care of me, an outsider, here.”

“Outsider?” Shen Yu raised his eyes to look at him, his voice soft, carrying a trace of unhideable choking.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart hurt as if pricked by a needle, but he still hardened his heart and nodded:

“Yes, we haven’t been in the same relationship as before for a long time.”

Shen Yu looked at Lu Zhiyan’s indifferent side profile, looking at the undisguised alienation in the depths of his eyes. A dull pain spread densely in his chest. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but ultimately said nothing, merely silently continuing to help him finish the rehabilitation training, and then meticulously tucking in the quilt corners for Lu Zhiyan before walking out of the ward with light hands and feet.

The door was gently closed, emitting a tiny muffled sound like a helpless sigh, sinking heavily onto Lu Zhiyan’s heart.

He couldn’t hold on anymore. Tears silently slid down his cheeks, dripping onto the pillow towel, blurring out a small patch of wet mark. He hurriedly turned around, his back to the door, dead-tight biting his lip, not daring to cry out loud, yet his shoulders couldn’t control trembling violently.

I’m sorry… I’m sorry… A’Yu…. I’m sorry…

When Lu Zhiyuan and Li Mei returned carrying the thermos bucket, they saw Shen Yu standing silently outside the ward door in a daze, and couldn’t help but be slightly stunned.

Pushing open the door to enter the ward again, they saw Lu Zhiyan staring blankly at the ceiling in a trance. The two old people exchanged a glance, saying nothing, only letting out a gentle sigh. They truly couldn’t understand how two people who were as close as brothers and inseparable from childhood to adulthood could have reached such an alienated point today.

In the following days, Shen Yu still came every day, but spoke even less. Every action of his was exceptionally silent. After finishing work, he would sit quietly on the side, either looking at files or helping Li Mei organize things, carrying just the right amount of alienation.

Lu Zhiyan would always emotionlessly flip through thick medical literature, yet couldn’t take in a single word. His brain and heart were entirely filled with that person’s moving figure and faint scent.

Every day he couldn’t control looking forward to Shen Yu’s arrival, but when he truly came, he couldn’t help but hope he would leave quickly. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to control wanting to look at him, wanting to draw near him, wanting to hug him, wanting to kiss him…

Sensing that person cautiously maintaining a distance that was neither too far nor too near made his heart ache beyond measure. He knew Shen Yu was aggrieved, was sad, but he could only be like this. He would rather Shen Yu hate him than let him delay the stable life he should have possessed because of himself once again.

This night, Lu Zhiyan didn’t sleep very steadily. Waking up in the middle of the night, he discovered that the ward was pitch-black. Shen Yu was sitting on the chair by the bedside, covered with a thin coat, sleeping with one hand propping up the bedside table.

Moonlight shone in through the window, falling onto his face, making the dark circles under his eyes exceptionally clear. He seemed to be sleeping somewhat unsteadily; his brows were slightly knitted, his lips pursed into a tight line, as if he were bearing some pain.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart violently shrank, a surge of heat instantly welling up in the depths of his eyes.

He knew Shen Yu had been very busy recently; having to go back to the company for work during the day and come to the hospital to take care of him at night, he definitely hadn’t rested well. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] He wanted to reach out to help Shen Yu cover him with his coat, but the moment his fingertips extended, he violently retracted them.

He couldn’t.

He could only watch from afar like this, watching him cautiously hide all his fatigue and emotions in front of him, watching the chasm he personally built stretched between them.

This is the best way, A’Yu, I will only bring you pain…

Lu Zhiyan slowly, gently turned his back, breathing extremely lightly, deeply afraid of disturbing that person’s rare rest. In his mind, the image of Shen Yu murmuring while sick in the university dorm that night suddenly churned up.

“A’Yan… don’t be angry… I didn’t…”

“I didn’t mean to annoy you…”

“I just… missed you…”

Heart like being cut by a knife, almost wanting to tear him into pieces.

Lu Zhiyan’s eyelashes trembled violently. Scalding tears couldn’t be held back anymore, sliding down silently, drop by drop. Reflecting the ice-cold moonlight outside the window, they soundlessly soaked the ice-cold pillow towel.

He dead-tightly bit his lip, his teeth clenched, swallowing all the choking, all the screaming, all the love that was about to shatter back into the bottom of his heart, leaving only a silence that had been repressed to the extreme.