Chapter 61: Completely Buried

Beicheng had entered winter, and the first winter snow came catching people off guard. Snowflakes mixed with ice dregs smashed against the glass windows with a crack-clatter, stirring up a restless irritation in people’s hearts.

Lu Zhiyan finished his night shift, took off his white coat, and changed into his regular clothes. As he walked out of the hospital gate, the biting cold wind rolled with snow foam and rushed at his face, freezing him until he gave a fierce shiver.

His phone screen lit up; it was a message sent by his mother, Li Mei; Shen Yu and Chu Xiyao’s engagement banquet was set for three days later on the top floor of the Beicheng Hotel. The accompanying picture was an exquisite invitation card, their gold-stamped names side by side, glaring enough to pierce the heart against the snow-white background.

He withdrew his gaze, his fingertips turning cool as he tucked the phone into his pocket. He opened his black umbrella and was just about to take a step, but from the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of a familiar figure standing under the streetlight by the roadside.

Shen Yu wasn’t holding an umbrella. A thin layer of snow had accumulated on his shoulders, and fine ice dregs had condensed on the tips of his hair. He was in such a wretched state that it made one’s heart tighten.

He just stood there all alone in the wind and snow. His figure was upright yet revealed endless loneliness. His gaze was nailed straight at the hospital gate, like a statue frozen by ice and snow, his entire body exuding a bleak solitude that blended with the snowy night.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart violently sank as his footsteps halted fiercely in place. He subconsciously wanted to turn around and hide in the stairwell nearby, but his figure was captured by Shen Yu a step earlier.

“A’Yan!”

Shen Yu’s voice transmitted through the howling wind and snow, carrying a bit of hoarse urgency. He almost stumbled as he rushed over. His leather shoes stepped in the accumulated snow, emitting a crunch sound, and the splashed snow foam wet his trouser legs.

With nowhere to avoid, Lu Zhiyan could only stand stiffly in place, watching him break through the wind and snow and lunge under his umbrella. The cold aura all over his body rushed at his face, instantly chilling the square inch of space under the umbrella.

“It’s so late, what are you doing here?”

Lu Zhiyan’s voice was as cold and hard as if it had turned to ice. Deliberately widening the distance, the umbrella unconsciously tilted forward. Snowflakes slid down along the edge of the umbrella, carving an invisible boundary between the two.

Shen Yu stared dead at him. The depths of his eyes were covered in red blood streaks. The churning emotions, mixed with the chill of the wind and snow, seemed as if they wanted to swallow his entire person. His voice was so light it trembled:

“I’m looking for you.”

“Something the matter?”

Lu Zhiyan quickly looked away, not daring to look at the scorching heat and pain in the depths of his eyes.

“If you have something to say, speak straight. I still have to go home.”

“The engagement banquet, will you come?”

Shen Yu’s voice was pressed even lower, carrying a trace of imperceptible pleading, like a flickering candle flame in the cold wind.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart felt as if it had been ruthlessly stabbed by a sharp ice awl. He pulled at the corners of his mouth, revealing a mockery colder than the wind and snow:

“Your engagement banquet, it’s inappropriate for me, an outsider, to go.”

“Outsider?”

Shen Yu violently grabbed his wrist. The force was so great it almost crushed his bones. His knuckles turned white, carrying a bone-piercing coolness.

“Lu Zhiyan, in your eyes, are we truly just outsiders?”

Snowflakes slid down from the tips of his hair and landed on the back of Lu Zhiyan’s hand; icy cold and bone-piercing, yet far inferior to the pain in his heart.

Lu Zhiyan struggled a bit but couldn’t break free, only able to grit his teeth and say stiffly:

“Otherwise? Shen Yu, you’re about to get engaged, don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like what?”

Shen Yu’s emotions suddenly became agitated. His voice raised a few fractions, covering the howling of the wind and snow, carrying unsuppressible trembling.

“Don’t treat you well? Don’t miss you? A’Yan, I can’t do it!”

He violently dragged Lu Zhiyan under the snow shelter by the roadside. The force was so great it made Lu Zhiyan stumble. The umbrella slipped from his hand, rolling into the accumulated snow, quickly half-buried by snowflakes.

This snow shelter was an old fixture at the hospital’s back door; right next to it was the snack street they often visited during junior high.

In the past, whenever it snowed, after school they would always come here to share a bowl of steaming hot wontons, breathing out white mist to warm their hands, walking side by side under the streetlights, leaving behind a string of side-by-side footprints.

Now, the night was deep and the snow was heavy. The street was completely empty, with only the dim yellow streetlights blurring out a hazy halo in the wind and snow, making the surroundings appear increasingly desolate.

Reuniting at the old place, things remained but the people had changed, leaving only a heart full of devastating wounds.

“Shen Yu, you’re crazy!”

Lu Zhiyan roared in a low voice. His wrist was gripped until it hurt, yet his eye sockets un-cooperatively turned red.

“What about Chu Xiyao? Is it fair to her for you to be like this? Is it fair to yourself?”

“Fair?”

Shen Yu laughed, a laugh uglier than crying. Warm liquid slid down from the corner of his eye, mixing with the snowflakes and instantly condensing on his cheek, indistinguishable whether it was tears or snow.

“A’Yan… you tell me, have you ever loved me?”

This sentence was like a heavy hammer, ruthlessly smashing onto Lu Zhiyan’s already riddled heart.

Had he loved him?

How could he not have loved him.

He once loved him to the point where no amount of concealment and self-paralysis could make him forget; loved him to the point of being consumed with regret only after losing him, desperately wanting to do it all over again. Now, he loved him so much that he acted cautiously, loved him so much that he could only watch from afar, silently guarding, not even daring to draw near.

But he couldn’t say it.

He looked at Shen Yu’s reddened eye sockets, looked at the wretchedness and despair on his face, his heart feeling as if it were being cut by a knife. Yet he could only force himself to harden his heart, spitting out cold words:

“I haven’t.”

Those two words, fluttering and light, were like a sharp blade quenched in ice and snow, ruthlessly stabbing into Shen Yu’s heart.

His body violently stiffened and the force gripping Lu Zhiyan’s wrist instantly loosened. The light in his eyes extinguished bit by bit, changing from a scorching flame to dead-silent barrenness, as if thoroughly doused by this heavy snow.

“But you once said—”

Before he could finish, he was gently interrupted by Lu Zhiyan with a sneer:

“I’ve long since forgotten what I once said. Right now I said I haven’t, and that means I haven’t.”

“Haven’t…” he muttered to himself, repeatedly murmuring the words. His voice was hoarse beyond recognition, carrying broken despair.

“So you really haven’t…”

He stumbled back a step, leaning heavily against the ice-cold railing. His tall body appeared exceptionally thin at this moment, as if he would be swallowed by the wind and snow at any time.

Lu Zhiyan looked at this appearance of his, his heart aching until he was about to suffocate. His fingernails pinched deeply into his palms, completely oblivious even as blood seeped out.

He forced himself not to turn back, not to be softhearted. He couldn’t leave any hope for Shen Yu. Long pain was worse than short pain; this was what was best for Shen Yu. At least Shen Yu could possess a stable life, not needing to endure secular reproaches alongside him, and even less needing to repeat the disastrous mistakes of their past lives.

He couldn’t give Shen Yu anything. Every approach would only bring that person more harm and pain; this way was truly the best.

“Shen Yu,” Lu Zhiyan’s voice carried an imperceptible tremble, yet he still forced a calm facade.

“Live a good life with Chu Xiyao. She is a good girl and can give you a stable life. Forget me, just treat it as if we never knew each other.”

After speaking, he quickly bent down to pick up the umbrella on the ground. But just as he turned around, he was stopped by Shen Yu’s voice.

“Lu Zhiyan!”

Shen Yu suddenly roared out. [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] His voice was full of desperate pain, howling like a wounded beast in the snowy night.

“You’re lying! Look into my eyes and say it! If you never loved me, why were you wandering downstairs at my company on the day of the car accident? Why, when you saw me together with Xiyao, were your eyes completely filled with despair? Why… why did you change bed partners one after another, yet you never replaced me?!”

He closed in step by step, crazy stubbornness in the depths of his eyes. Every step stepped into the accumulated snow, emitting a heavy sound:

“A’Yan, you clearly love me, why won’t you admit it?”

Lu Zhiyan’s footsteps paused, his back held straight, yet he couldn’t control his trembling.

Yes, he lied.

How could he not love him.

That person was the soft flesh at the tip of his heart, the obsession in his bones and blood.

And precisely because of this, he was even more unable to ruin the bright life Shen Yu had finally managed to possess.

In his past life, Shen Yu died because of him. In this life, he had managed to survive healthily, had a decent job, had a partner he was about to get engaged to; how could he drag his most beloved person back into the abyss of eternal damnation again?

“I didn’t.”

Lu Zhiyan closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, only ice-sealed indifference remained in the depths of his eyes, without a single ripple.

“That day I was just drunk and happened to pass by your company. Seeing you and Chu Xiyao, I only felt that things remained but the people had changed. As for bed partners…”

He truly couldn’t find any suitable reason, so he could only violently turn around, his gaze meeting Shen Yu’s eyes straight on. Word by word, he roared clearly and cruelly to cover it up:

“Shen Yu, are you ever going to drop this?! [Read on RanaTranslations🌸] Who do you think you are? Is there a need for me to explain so much to you here?! Let me tell you, between us, it already ended the year we were twenty!”

Shen Yu’s entire person violently froze. Looking into those eyes filled with ice-coldness, there was no trace of lingering attachment inside, no trace of love, only an indifference that pushed people a thousand miles away, like ice quenched with the cold of this snowy night, freezing his entire body stiff inch by inch.

His heart was thoroughly dead.

The heavy snow continued to fall non-stop, swirling and fluttering, washing away the distance between the two of them, and also washing away that unforgettable past, as if wanting to bury everything beneath this vast expanse of snow-white.

Shen Yu slowly lowered his eyes. All the strength in his body seemed to have been drained away. His voice was as light as a sigh, dissipating in the wind and snow:

“Alright… I understand.”

He took a step back, silently giving way. His figure appeared exceptionally lonely in the sky full of wind and snow, as if he would merge with this snow-white at any moment.

Lu Zhiyan’s heart felt as if it were being torn to shreds. It hurt so much he could barely stand steady, and every breath carried a bone-piercing chill.

He violently turned around, holding the snow-covered umbrella and rushing into the wind and snow. His footsteps stumbled; he was practically fleeing in defeat.

He didn’t dare to look back, didn’t dare to look at Shen Yu’s appearance standing in the wind and snow, didn’t dare to listen to the whimpers he might let out, and even less dared to respond to that love frantically tearing and clamoring in the bottom of his heart.

The wind and snow howled in his ears, seeming to transmit Shen Yu’s painfully suppressed choking sobs.

Lu Zhiyan ran wildly all the way, completely losing his direction, aimlessly treading the snow forward. He didn’t know how long he ran until he stumbled and fell downstairs at an apartment building in an old, dilapidated residential complex.

His entire body had long been soaked by the wind and snow. The ice-cold snow water drilled inside along the tips of his hair and collar, freezing his four limbs numb, losing sensation even in his fingertips.

He supported himself against the mottled, dilapidated wall wanting to get up, yet his body uncontrollably slid downward, ultimately falling heavily into the ice-cold snow. That black umbrella slipped from his hands again and fell to the side, the umbrella body gradually covered by thick snowflakes.

He covered his face dead-tight, his shoulders beginning to tremble violently. The crying he had suppressed for too long finally broke through his throat, appearing exceptionally shrill and desolate in the silent snowy night.

A’Yu… I’m sorry…

Baby, I love you… I really love you so much…

But I cannot… I cannot ruin you again…

The heavy snow fell with a rustle, silently drowning his cries, and also deeply burying that unspeakable love hidden deep in the bottom of his heart in this bone-piercingly cold snowy night…